Have you been out of the dating game for a while? There are a lot of reasons women remove themselves from dating: what was yours? Sometimes its fear or lack of confidence. Other times its the happy occurrence of becoming exclusive-dating one particular man. Or maybe even becoming engaged or getting married.
If the plan didnt work out, or the relationship didnt last, you may be finding yourself re-entering the world of meeting new men, and looking for the kind of relationship you want today.
I say today because what you have in mind may have changed since your last relationship experience. You need to find out if thats true for you, and if so, acknowledge that. For example:
*Where do you come out on your goal TODAY: are you looking for someone simply to have good times with, someone who will be a steady companion, or someone to legally marry?
*What kind of person are you looking for TODAY? Certainly the guidelines may have changed since the last time. Must that person be: fun, adventurous, studious, practical, openly affectionate in public, monogamous, a person desiring children, careful with money or a willing spender... committed to being childfree (or having no further offspring) or ready to start a new family? Must that person be financially fixed-or wealthy, or simply debt-free-or doesnt it matter?
*Where does that person desire to live? Living situations can make or break a relationship, believe it or not, so know where youre at, and how flexible you are at
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this particular point of your life.
*What are your negotiables (Id like to live with the person, but if he prefers to keep his own place for alone time-thats okay with me)? What are your non-negotiables (Same religion, Non smoker, Fit and athletic, Likes to have fun Someone whos okay with my coach potato ways, even though hes super fit)?
*What are you special desires, quirks and needs that absolutely need to be considered by you and your partner-to-be? Many of my love-and attraction clients hesitate to disclose these for a very long time. As a coach, I want to suggest that you dont make that mistake. Depending on what it is, it may not need to be discussed on your first or second date. But please dont wait till the engagement party! If you think what you need to say may be met with concern or distaste, it is doubly important that you disclose it. Honestly: Would you prefer to tell late and then discover that its a deal breaker? A little discomfort now can eliminate a world of sorrow later. Be smart.
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Lastly, some choices made in your twenties and thirties may not apply later, so do explore, be honest, and learn the difference between what is essential to you and whats not today. Flexibility is great, but dont lie to yourself or minimize your needs. That kind of behavior can result in misery later.
By the way, you need to set aside a time to re-discover your wants and needs. If youve recently come out of a relationship, you need some alone time to discover what is truly you and what is a left-behind attitude of your last coupling that wasnt really your own.
© 2007 by Wendy Lapidus-Saltz
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Getting Back Into Dating